Til Death (of of what?) Do Us Part

"I just don't love him anymore."
"I don't know if I ever really loved her."
"We grew apart."
"I've changed; we want different things now."
"It's better for the kids if they don't see us fighting all the time."
"I'm done."

This is just the short list of comments I've recently heard from close friends. There are many more and it seems the list grows every day. Just today, I saw a friend's Facebook relationship status change to "separated," almost as if she was happy to announce to the world that her marriage was failing. I remember reading comments about that marriage - that it was happy and no one could claim otherwise. But I knew. Somehow, I've known every time...except one.

When we moved 1100 miles away from my family and all our friends, I prayed that God would allow us to quickly make friends who would be like family for us. He certainly answered those prayers and soon, we were living right down the street from a wonderful couple who had led our marriage small group in our new church. They became adopted grandparents to our kids and our families grew close. We even spent Christmas Day together in 2009, along with their adult son, in our home.

That day, Michael and I noticed an incredible amount of tension between the couple. But we had no idea that the husband was, at that very period in time, having an emotional affair with a colleague, if not a full-blown extramarital affair. A couple of months later, Michael and I had a huge fight and this couple was there for us, telling us that they'd watch a series of marriage videos with us and their intentions to stand by us as we worked through a difficult time. All along, they KNEW their marriage was falling apart but chose not to tell us.

In March, all hell broke loose as the wife discovered the affair and left the home. For me, it was like experiencing my parents separating. We were devastated, angry and hurt. Not because we thought they were perfect and now had to realize they weren't, but because it was becoming increasingly difficult to have hope for our marriage as we watched others' go up in flames.

Don't we all vow to stay with our spouses and love them "til death do us part"? It has me wondering what exactly has to die these days in order for us to determine it's time to 'part.' Certainly, it's not physical death. The title of an instrumental theme from the John Grisham movie, "The Firm," comes to mind: The Death of Love and Trust. Cheating, lying, lusting, envying, slacking - all of these can lead to the death of love and trust. Once that death occurs, 50% or more believe they are justified in leaving their spouses. In some cases, one murders the other, almost as if to expedite a legitimate adherence to the marriage vows.

I was raised on sappy, Hollywood versions of love and marriage. Guy and gal meet, fall in love, guy sweeps gal off her feet, marriage ensues, children follow, and happiness abounds. Husband brings home flowers and gifts for wife, wife is always put together and never says a cross word to anyone - a scenario far from what we see in movies and television today. It's a little late for me, though. Now I can identify and accept the shallow attempts at defining romance that plague movie scripts. Husbands aren't always inclined to chase after their wives after a fight. Wives may just be the ones who wish they could spend more time being intimate with their men. A husband who doesn't think about sex 100 times an hour isn't necessarily disinterested in his wife - or more poignantly - it doesn't mean he's a homosexual. But these are examples of what we've been led to believe are the only acceptable realities. At least I was led to believe them. And I don't think I'm the only one.

It all comes down to choices, don't you think? I have so much more I could write and at best, a mild catharsis might take place. So I must focus my feelings and thoughts into one simple concept - choosing to interpret the vows we so readily intimated as they were meant to be interpreted. "Til death do us part" is not open for discussion. Whether it makes people uncomfortable or hurts their feelings or makes them feel guilty as they trot off into rebellion during separation or divorce, the truth is that 'death' means...well, death. Cessation of being. Kicking the bucket. Moving six feet under. When we encounter those times when love seems to have died or been terminally stricken with indifference, we do not part. When trust has been obliterated by the other imperfect spouse in our union, we do not part. When disease sets in and our needs aren't being met - yes, when emotional death is pending - we do not bail.

This is what I'm dealing with right now. I don't feel I can post it on Facebook because my intention is not to hurt my friends who happen to be referenced in this post and are Facebook friends. Honestly, the best I can do most days is to just say this sucks. It sucks to watch the divine institution of marriage being hijacked and spat on and disregarded. Somewhere along the way, we decided that the death of the marriage could be arbitrarily determined by either spouse at any time. So where do you draw the line? What kind of death has to occur before you will "move on" from the life you undoubtedly started without any intention of terminating it someday. Throw in the added collateral damage inflicted on children of "dead" marriages and what do you get, short of a massive societal implosion centered in the home.

"Divorce is not an option." Yah, yah, I've heard that one before. Unfortunately, what we don't realize when we set out on our courses as brides and grooms is that it is, absolutely, an option. But that doesn't mean we have to choose it. I'm discouraged by so many around me who choose it almost too easily, too carelessly, without thought for others and consequences and the impact on generations to come. It does, cause me to move in closer to my husband when he's home and miss him more intensely when he's gone.

But it stil sucks.